Is it insecurity? Lack of confidence? Lack of compassion for our fellow people? Or just plain selfishness?!
I was contemplating as to whether I should or should I not blog about it.
Then I read Mike's latest post. About how people only see things the way they want it to be and not the other way around. So, it was probably a coincidental coincidence that what happened had so much to do with what he said. So, I thought, I'll just blog about it.
So, I was supposed to meet up with a friend of mine who's leaving for studies to a far away land for lunch @ Times Square today. So, I very happily got dressed and refilled my wallet with 2 RM50 notes, which is all I have to spend for the remaining of this month. Then had my grandpa drop me off at Sentral so that I could reload my Touch&Go card before taking the monorail to my destination.
But as usual, I got the time mistaken and I was early. So the offices at Sentral weren't all opened yet. The watch read : 9.50am. Office notice read : Open at 10am. So I just waited patiently outside the office door with 2 other ang moh's who were there probably, I assumed, for the same purpose as I.
Then, as I was taking tiny steps around the area and just randomly looking at things while trying to look sophisticated, I spotted a man who was looking at me, staring would be more appropriate but he wasn't exactly staring either. It was kinda like a look.stare thing. So, it freaked me out. Hence, I thought to myself, just walk away slowly and everything will be alright.
But no, the man was eyeing me and he walked towards me when I made a move. So I freaked out even more and I thought, 'Quick, walk to the ang moh's!' Then, there was this pillar in front of me, so I went clockwise around it and the man kept walking towards me so I stepped back and I probably managed to say a 3 secs prayer, and I rounded the pillar anti clockwise only to see the man in front of me still.
I think at that instance, my brain was telling my heart and the rest of my body: Shit! What did u get yourself into?!
The man started talking to me in Chinese. (I was too busy thinking and didn't catch what dialect he was talking to me in.) He said in Chinese something like: I'm from Kajang, I need money to go home, I am very hungry, I got no money...... I simply said: I'm sorry, but I don't understand. Lying was inevitable. We're talking about my life here!
Then, he starting speaking in broken English. 'I just came out of jail, no money, very hungry, if u can help me, then help, I want to balik kampung no money....' I was at a lost for words, but I somehow managed to blurt this out: I wish I can help, but I can't. Then he did a lil' wave hand thing and walked away. I was relieved and it was a very complicated feeling. I don't know how to explain.
But I was freaked out enough to cancel my plans for going out. So I called Heng to come pick me up from Sentral.
The thing is. Yes, to me at that moment, I was being defensive and unhelpful because I was scared, I believed that the man was up to no good and I had to protect myself. But when I was waiting for Heng to come get me, I started thinking, what if that man really only needed a few bucks?! What if all he needed was a nice meal and sufficient money to buy a ticket back home? What if I were him, for whatever reason and I needed help and I approached a fellow citizen asking for help but was turned down. I had some money, I could have given him some, why didn't I? Because I just couldn't see things the other way around.
I just couldn't. And I don't think I would've, given the same thing was to occur again.
So, what is it? Insecurity? Lack of confidence? Lack of compassion for our fellow people? Or just plain selfishness?! Is it that Malaysia is full of crime that given a tiny act of helping requires so much consideration or is it just me being ultimately paranoid?!
Now, I am left to reflect on what I have done and what I could have done. What could I have done differently and what would have the outcome been. It's always easy to say, but doing is a whole different issue.
I was contemplating as to whether I should or should I not blog about it.
Then I read Mike's latest post. About how people only see things the way they want it to be and not the other way around. So, it was probably a coincidental coincidence that what happened had so much to do with what he said. So, I thought, I'll just blog about it.
So, I was supposed to meet up with a friend of mine who's leaving for studies to a far away land for lunch @ Times Square today. So, I very happily got dressed and refilled my wallet with 2 RM50 notes, which is all I have to spend for the remaining of this month. Then had my grandpa drop me off at Sentral so that I could reload my Touch&Go card before taking the monorail to my destination.
But as usual, I got the time mistaken and I was early. So the offices at Sentral weren't all opened yet. The watch read : 9.50am. Office notice read : Open at 10am. So I just waited patiently outside the office door with 2 other ang moh's who were there probably, I assumed, for the same purpose as I.
Then, as I was taking tiny steps around the area and just randomly looking at things while trying to look sophisticated, I spotted a man who was looking at me, staring would be more appropriate but he wasn't exactly staring either. It was kinda like a look.stare thing. So, it freaked me out. Hence, I thought to myself, just walk away slowly and everything will be alright.
But no, the man was eyeing me and he walked towards me when I made a move. So I freaked out even more and I thought, 'Quick, walk to the ang moh's!' Then, there was this pillar in front of me, so I went clockwise around it and the man kept walking towards me so I stepped back and I probably managed to say a 3 secs prayer, and I rounded the pillar anti clockwise only to see the man in front of me still.
I think at that instance, my brain was telling my heart and the rest of my body: Shit! What did u get yourself into?!
The man started talking to me in Chinese. (I was too busy thinking and didn't catch what dialect he was talking to me in.) He said in Chinese something like: I'm from Kajang, I need money to go home, I am very hungry, I got no money...... I simply said: I'm sorry, but I don't understand. Lying was inevitable. We're talking about my life here!
Then, he starting speaking in broken English. 'I just came out of jail, no money, very hungry, if u can help me, then help, I want to balik kampung no money....' I was at a lost for words, but I somehow managed to blurt this out: I wish I can help, but I can't. Then he did a lil' wave hand thing and walked away. I was relieved and it was a very complicated feeling. I don't know how to explain.
But I was freaked out enough to cancel my plans for going out. So I called Heng to come pick me up from Sentral.
The thing is. Yes, to me at that moment, I was being defensive and unhelpful because I was scared, I believed that the man was up to no good and I had to protect myself. But when I was waiting for Heng to come get me, I started thinking, what if that man really only needed a few bucks?! What if all he needed was a nice meal and sufficient money to buy a ticket back home? What if I were him, for whatever reason and I needed help and I approached a fellow citizen asking for help but was turned down. I had some money, I could have given him some, why didn't I? Because I just couldn't see things the other way around.
I just couldn't. And I don't think I would've, given the same thing was to occur again.
So, what is it? Insecurity? Lack of confidence? Lack of compassion for our fellow people? Or just plain selfishness?! Is it that Malaysia is full of crime that given a tiny act of helping requires so much consideration or is it just me being ultimately paranoid?!
Now, I am left to reflect on what I have done and what I could have done. What could I have done differently and what would have the outcome been. It's always easy to say, but doing is a whole different issue.
Seeing things not through the eyes but through the heart. What have I done, what could I have done?!
p/s: I got the photos from Darryl, they're up on Facebook. Don't think I'll be posting them here.
2 comments:
sometimes u just have to follow ur heart rather than ur mind. but sometimes d heart tells u 1 thing, but ur mind rational in another way. so it's kinda grey spot. just do wat u feel best la... =)
yes kevin! thank u!
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