Yesterday was great fun... Thanks!
Strawberries are great... Thanks!

But this isn't gonna be a happy post.

I do realize that it's gonna be Christmas in 2 days, I do realize that this isn't the right time to be all upset and emo, I do know that it's bad to be negative, I do not know if it's the okay for me to talk about this, but will running away and trying to hide things make things for the better?! I think, no.

You don't have to read on, you really don't have to. It's just that I have to clear some things and get it off my chest, I do not know if it'll work, but I certainly do not wish to spoil your day... So, I firstly apologize if this post will/has affected you in any way or another.

What is my deepest fear? I'd say, everything. I am afraid. I am afraid of everything.

I do not want to become you. I am afraid because I am becoming like you. I never had a relationship, I think I know why. It's just that I never admitted. It's because I don't wanna be like you. I don't want to end up like you. I don't want the same things to happen to me, to the people around me... I don't like what's happening, as a matter of fact, I hate what's happening. As much as I want to hate you, as much as I want to run away, as much as I want to cry, I'm still afraid that I may end up the same as you, hence, I'm even more afraid. I'm afraid that eventually I'll end up hating myself, for everything.

Isn't it hard to lie? Isn't it hard to pretend? Isn't it difficult to act as thought you are totally innocent of the things you do? Do you really think that- by not telling, by hiding the truth, and by lying to the people around you, I will not know?! Or do you honestly think that I will never find out, or do you wish that I will pretend I do not know even when I do??

I know I am being a coward, for being afraid, for blaming you for the things I am afraid of, for not being strong enough. And for that again, I am afraid I'll dislike myself.

Insecure, insecurity it is. Insecurity is what I feel, almost all the time. I am scared that I might lose control of myself one day. I am scared that I will end up just like you, I am scared that I will hurt others just like how you are hurting those around you today.

This probably explains why I like to 'play safe'. Why I get upset when someone threatens to take away what I have. Why I get so worked up over tiny things that doesn't really seem to matter. And why I dislike it when people argue/refuse to compromise/always think that they are right. But then again, isn't that what I always do?! I dislike the things people do, but they are exactly the very things I do. For that again, I'm afraid, afraid of what may become of me.

Also, for that I apologize. I am sorry for all that I've done wrong, I'm sorry for being someone who I myself do not admire. For all these, I apologize.

Betsy!! Keith Urban - Tonight I Wanna Cry was playing as I was typing this out...

I've said what I've intended to. Thank you for 'listening'.