Today I Am Writing With My Heart

Not head. Or minimal head, so that my writing would still make some sense.

I don't think I have ever hated anyone more. And it's a bad feeling because it consumes me. And I hate it. I hate it that I have such strong negative feelings. I dislike people, I do. And most of the time, I dislike people because one, I am jealous of them (yes, as bad as it is, I do get jealous often enough) and two, because they are generally not very nice people. But hate is bringing it to a whole new level. And bottom line is, it's not a feeling I like feeling.

I try to shoo it away, but it doesn't work.

And sometimes, I don't like how I perceive things so negatively. Like for instance, I feel sad to feel that I am being chucked aside. As though, I am suddenly of no value. But who's to say that I am being sidelined? If I don't allow for thoughts like that, I don't have to feel that way. I want to be strong, so strong that it no longer matters.

I've said it before that if I want something bad enough, I'd work for it. But what if at the end of the day, I am just too scared of putting in effort and still not getting what I want?

Like for instance, matchrace next year. I know I should really be putting more thought into it, getting crew sorted, but what if all this effort amounts to nothing in the end. Why bother in the first place. This is just a teeny example. I don't even dare to apply this to a bigger context in life. I'd just get too scared.

Famous words, you don't try, you don't know. But, what if trying and doing my best still doesn't get me what I want? Then what. Regret not even trying? Likely. Will that balance out the disappointment of trying and still not getting what I want? Having to live with knowing something is not attainable or living with the hope that it could be if I tried? Which is the lesser of two evils?

Only I can tell. Only I can tell.

We were once friends, close friends even I would say. Today, we're strangers. Why is life like that? Some people are meant to come and go, some are meant to stay. I know that. I do. Which is why people who have come and stayed on take a very special place in my heart, I only wished I put more effort into retaining those who have left.

I can't be praised too much, it makes me think that most problems don't lie with me. It must be them. Or that someone else, just not me.

Some magic would be nice now actually.