People Who Want To Be There, Will Be There

I am a little under the weather. But I am just glad this virus is only attacking now and not while we were racing in Langkawi last week.

I wonder if I'll be better after sleep?

Anyway. In line with the theme of needing to belong and accepted, to be liked, I realised that my general well-being the past couple of weeks have much to do with my little new year resolution.

There was this one incident in 2018 that had left a nasty aftertaste in my thirties. Long story short, I concluded that if a friend is too busy to make time for me, then so be it. I wouldn't need their friendship anyway.

At the end of 2018, I decided that well, it's a new year, it's time to forgive, forget and plus, it's not like I've been a perfect friend either. So, I made a mental note that I will put in more effort to keep in touch and/or spend time with people I've conveniently and some I strategically lost touch with.

So when 2019 came along, I embarked on a mini get-in-touch-with-friends-I've-lost touch-with project. I texted several friends and out of 5 people, probably 3 people hadn't responded to my attempts of getting in touch.

I admit, I was super bitter about it and really did question myself - Did I offend them? Did I wrong them without realising it? Have I done something I should be apologising for? If not, why are they not responsive to me?

And yes, I have an innate need to be liked, so, people not responding to me, I took as rejection and this surprisingly affected me more than I would have liked.

But today, I came across a revelation. It occurred to me that some people, even if you wanted them in your life, they don't. People have to want to be in your life before it can happen. And you just can't force it.

Some people will come, linger and go. That's fine.

Some people will not come, even if you tried. And that's fine too.

The bottom line is, people who want to be in your life will make that effort to be there.

There's really no use second guessing.

So, I have decided to not mop over those people who have decidedly not reply my messages, who have for whatever reason decide that I am not worth their time.

I am at peace and it's okay.

爱哭鬼

没人爱的小孩， 这不对。

该是 ，不懂得爱的小孩 。

还说 名字里有爱，

该 比较 懂爱。

这话 是谁说的？

Rejection & Failure

I don't take to losing, rejection and failure well.

Never did and it's still a hard pill for me to swallow at thirty.

But, life does have the tendency to teach you lessons one way or another.

I often doubt that I'm a good person. But at almost the same time, I don't think I am a terrible person. Maybe I'm just somewhere there in the middle.

And while being in the middle doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing, it's kind of like, you're not succeeding, but you're not failing either. You're kind of not losing, but not winning either. You're kind of being rejected, but being accepted all the same.

Why is state such a confusing state to be in. Being stuck in a rut, and not knowing the correct way out.

Fight Fire With Kindness Is (One Of) The Hardest Thing To Do

When life gets hard. Should you get harder?

Haih, so tired today. Because of pent up anger.

You know how sometimes you know that you're done for, but you still try your best to make sure all the players on the team know where they stand, but all the players just don't wanna play ball?

I felt like I was caught in that scenario today. So much for teamwork.

But then, I am not exactly proud of myself either. I could've handled the situation better. Why fight fire with fire. Everyone loses.

I just haven't quite figured out what else one can fight fire with when you've already tired every possible solution.

Guess if you've tried it all, then.. just burn lo and rest in the fact that you'd done everything you could.

Mhm. That sums up my day.

What Is Kaya Toast Without Butter

My Kopitiam breakfast set came without the butter. Otherwise, it may have just as well been perfect.

Your surroundings shapes what you become.

I never used to break my own soft-boiled egg. But I do now.

Tomorrow is the day of the big move. Packing continues today. Perhaps after the move, with the promise of stronger wifi at home, and lesser hours spent on the commute, I will write more often. I do love writing after all. I realised.

I love it when I select a random playlist and I hear that one song that I instantly heart.

Way Back Home - SHAUN (feat. Conor Maynard) [Sam Feldt Edit] 

It's like I'm dancing among the clouds. What a feeling!

Only One Winner

Doesn't matter how hard you try. And what effort you make. And the things you do. Nothing counts anyway.

Ultimately, only one person emerges as the winner, and it'll never be me.

Every Now & Then: Trust

The higher up you get, the more you need to trust. Trust yourself to continue to do the right thing despite the pressure and expectations. Trust others that they too would do the right thing. And just trust in that trust.

So much of trusting business going around.

I don’t know if I am capable of that just yet.

Having worked 8 years of my life thus far, all my roles have been relatively easy come to think of it. Considering the fact that I was mostly in charge of just me, myself and I, and of course the work that I was tasked to complete.

It’s kind of – you just do what you got to do, do it well, deliver results and enjoy the process while you can. And repeat.

And it’s only recently that I have started to observe what it is like to be a boss. Or a superior.

When the story is no longer about just you. But larger than you. When for a fact, there is no way you can know every minute detail of how things are done. Where things are kept. Who does what and you just got to believe and trust that the people given their roles will do what is needed of them.

And not just that, but if you have tension among the team, disharmony (which has to be common), or underperforming but good intentions folks, what do you do? Turning a blind eye is not an option, but trying to resolve every conflict is just bound to tire you out and what happens to real work then? Who fixes those problems?

Evil, lazy and opportunistic bastards should just be fired. Definitely. But what if the evil, lazy and opportunistic fox actually is capable of work, but is a moral and emotional threat to the cohort? What then?

It’s at this precise moment where you probably find yourself walking the fine line of doing the right thing. What is the right thing?

I’m just glad I’m not there in life yet. Worry when it is my turn, then again, worry is for fools. I ain’t no fool.

I’m just tired from the day. Every now and then, I just get home so tired, for no apparent reason. And I just want to crash.

At least today I managed some coherent thoughts.