It's 2024 and I'm Thinking of Making A Comeback!

 Is anyone still there?

Week 2 of Being 32

It does not get easier.

I don't seek to be understood, but it's nice when people do.

I'm not sure.

Rain makes me emo. That best describes it.

But a timely, warm hearty bowl of soup is miracle cure.

Three, Four, Five and I Lost Count

New and recent little pleasures:

1. Fresh toast in the morning
2. Receiving that good morning text 
3. Going to bed and feeling contented
4. Getting in touch with long lost friends
5. Having milk in the fridge
6. A good workout
7. Having a routine
8. Having someone to get mad at but still love and miss
9. Sunsets
10. Opening the windows in the morning and allowing fresh breeze into the room
11. 10-min yoga session every morning to get started with the day
12. Staring at my photo wall

I hope everyone finds their own little pleasures too!

You say I am strong when I think I am weak

When was the last time you looked out your window and just admired the sun setting in the horizon?

You Say - Lauren Daigle

With the work from home arrangement the past month, staring out my window in the evenings is becoming one of my most favourite activity to do.

Today, I was reminded reminded that it's okay to be anxious, it's okay to be unsure, and it's okay to doubt from time to time, because in the end, He is always faithful.

Try it. Pause and stare out the window once in awhile.

Way Maker

Before I even get to my main content for today, let me state that I just realised I had a half-written draft on my reflections for 2019 sitting in my outbox. It was dated 30 December 2019.

It's an incomplete piece of work, I have no idea why I didn't finish it, but in any case, it is not going to see the light of the day. Perhaps, I'll be more diligent and get around to writing, completing and posting a reflection piece on 2020. Maybe.

So, what brings me back here today after a long, long while? It only took a text.

My favourite uncle in the world dropped me a text to ask if I've stopped writing. So, that's why I am back.

Hm. There's a lot going on in the world today, and I have read so many opinions and comments that I am actively trying to refrain from saying anything because I feel like the world needs less comments and more introspection.

I am using this time to reflect on what is truly important to me, who really matters, and what my priorities are. I urge you to do the same.

For those of us who can afford to slow down, eat warm meals, listen to music, wake up and talk to family and friends via chats and technology, spare a moment also to remember that there are also others who don't have the same luxury.

So, let's not take anything for granted. Be grateful, and be kind.

I love this tune, and I hope it also encourages you who are reading this post today.

Way Maker - Passion 2020

Last but not least, today marks the 7th month of my (not-so-new) dating life! If you ever read this which I highly doubt, congratulations to us on making it this far, and I love you!

P/s: I am so sweet.

A Letter To My 31 Year Old Self

I've been wanting to write this and dedicate it to myself on my 31st birthday, but kept putting it off because I was either in too good a mood, or too foul a mood, or too occupied or just plain lazy and never got to it in time.

So, 2 weeks late, in an ambivalent mood, still feeling lazy, but finally deciding to just do it.

Being in my thirties is not much different from being in my twenties. With the exception that my metabolic rate has definitely slowed down, responsibilities have grown, financial commitments have increased.

Do I know how to get by life any better than 10 years ago - I doubt. Have I made more friends? Well, yes, but I've lost some too over the years for various reasons and learning to let go is one thing that has improved with age.

Am I getting better at being a better person? Well, I try. It's a daily effort and very trying and tiring. Some days I feel like a winner when I tuck myself into bed. Some days, I feel the opposite and that's why I finally settled on writing this now so that when I read this many years later, or a day later, hopefully I remember this feeling and have leveled up by then.

I've been having some relatively stressful days in the office, and that takes a toll on my mental well being. Evidently I'm still not very good at regulating emotions and keeping work separate from personal life. But honestly, who is able to draw a neat line between the two?

People are selfish. People are entitled. People can be mean and unkind. That's reality. But perhaps, we feel that way about others because we too fail to see where they are coming from.

Of course, some people are a lost cause. This category of humans can be struck off and really don't let them bother you because they're not worth it.

Some people may actually have a good reason behind their behaviour or actions. It's for us to choose whether or not we want to step into their shoes and see their point of view.

Some times, explaining yourself may be the best way. And if that solves nothing too, life goes on and well, better next time.

You see girl, life happens. It's been going on for 31 years for you and it likely will go on for awhile more. Like it or not, everything is a choice. So don't bitch about life, don't lament others, and don't be bitter.

Life is better when happy anyway.. May your 31st year be joy filled, adventured filled, and overflowing with kindness.

Happy belated birthday dear self! #love

All This

What for?

How Many People Does It Take To Fix A Printer?

4 apparently.

This story was from the last work week. Colleague A jammed the printer and sought help from Colleague B. And on my way back to my desk from the loo, I stopped to help too because Colleague A was wearing a dress, and I, conveniently was wearing pants that day.

So Colleague B sorted out the paper jam and was trying to put the tray back, and that's where I came into the picture. Together, we tried to fit the tray back in for the longest time, but struggled.

Then along came Colleague C who, a bit of a back story, is the type of aunty colleague who would rather suffer the cold than turn off the air-conditioning for fear that the rest in the office would feel hot.

She came by and said, "Why don't you guys remove the paper from the tray first so it's not so heavy?" Brilliant advice.

The tray was lighter by now, but we still couldn't slot it back into the printer.

So Colleague A who had come back to assist suggested, "I think you can try tilting the tray from top in, maybe it'll fit that way." And it did!

And why I feel this story is worth sharing? Because certainly it didn't require 4 people to fix a paper jam. But it worked. And surely, we could've thought to remove the paper from the tray first so that the burden is lighter, but we didn't.

I was reminded that sometimes in life, we are so blinded by what's ahead of us, that we genuinely don't see what else is there.

And also from this episode, the advice came from someone we least expected. Which again reminds me that we should never underestimate anyone or downplay the efforts of others.

***

I'm having a slight headache now, I am not too sure if it's from beer o'clock, or the exertion of pulling Optis up the ramp - yes, that's just about how unfit I am these days, or just overall fatigue and dehydration.

Actually, it could be a combination of all that.

Also, I started coughing all of sudden, tried drinking some warm tea, it has helped a little, and I really cannot afford to fall sick now, but if I do, I totally jinxed myself.

I shared it as a joke in a conversation yesterday, "What if I fall sick now and become useless in the coming weekend regatta?"

Be careful for what you wish for.

***

Things I am obsessed with lately:

1. Hillsong Worship on Spotify. I was in my colleagues car headed to a meeting the other day and Broken Vessels (Amazing Grace) was playing.
2. Compression socks. Which I wear to sleep. Maybe it's psychological, but my feet don't ache the next day no matter how achy it was the night before.
3. Shopee. But I only mostly browse. I bought toilet paper the other day because free shipping.
4. YouTube. Because it's such a brainless yet therapeutic activity.
5. Cleaning the floor of my room. Also therapeutic much.
6. Switching on my Muji diffuser with either Geranium or the Muji Relax oils. Makes me feel relaxed and rested.
7. Not waking up when my alarm goes off..

Which calls for bed time, but first, I'd need to clear my laundry that's occupying my bed space. Night!

People Who Want To Be There, Will Be There

I am a little under the weather. But I am just glad this virus is only attacking now and not while we were racing in Langkawi last week.

I wonder if I'll be better after sleep?

Anyway. In line with the theme of needing to belong and accepted, to be liked, I realised that my general well-being the past couple of weeks have much to do with my little new year resolution.

There was this one incident in 2018 that had left a nasty aftertaste in my thirties. Long story short, I concluded that if a friend is too busy to make time for me, then so be it. I wouldn't need their friendship anyway.

At the end of 2018, I decided that well, it's a new year, it's time to forgive, forget and plus, it's not like I've been a perfect friend either. So, I made a mental note that I will put in more effort to keep in touch and/or spend time with people I've conveniently and some I strategically lost touch with.

So when 2019 came along, I embarked on a mini get-in-touch-with-friends-I've-lost touch-with project. I texted several friends and out of 5 people, probably 3 people hadn't responded to my attempts of getting in touch.

I admit, I was super bitter about it and really did question myself - Did I offend them? Did I wrong them without realising it? Have I done something I should be apologising for? If not, why are they not responsive to me?

And yes, I have an innate need to be liked, so, people not responding to me, I took as rejection and this surprisingly affected me more than I would have liked.

But today, I came across a revelation. It occurred to me that some people, even if you wanted them in your life, they don't. People have to want to be in your life before it can happen. And you just can't force it.

Some people will come, linger and go. That's fine.

Some people will not come, even if you tried. And that's fine too.

The bottom line is, people who want to be in your life will make that effort to be there.

There's really no use second guessing.

So, I have decided to not mop over those people who have decidedly not reply my messages, who have for whatever reason decide that I am not worth their time.

I am at peace and it's okay.

Rejection & Failure

I don't take to losing, rejection and failure well.

Never did and it's still a hard pill for me to swallow at thirty.

But, life does have the tendency to teach you lessons one way or another.

I often doubt that I'm a good person. But at almost the same time, I don't think I am a terrible person. Maybe I'm just somewhere there in the middle.

And while being in the middle doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing, it's kind of like, you're not succeeding, but you're not failing either. You're kind of not losing, but not winning either. You're kind of being rejected, but being accepted all the same.

Why is state such a confusing state to be in. Being stuck in a rut, and not knowing the correct way out.

Fight Fire With Kindness Is (One Of) The Hardest Thing To Do

When life gets hard. Should you get harder?

Haih, so tired today. Because of pent up anger.

You know how sometimes you know that you're done for, but you still try your best to make sure all the players on the team know where they stand, but all the players just don't wanna play ball?

I felt like I was caught in that scenario today. So much for teamwork.

But then, I am not exactly proud of myself either. I could've handled the situation better. Why fight fire with fire. Everyone loses.

I just haven't quite figured out what else one can fight fire with when you've already tired every possible solution.

Guess if you've tried it all, then.. just burn lo and rest in the fact that you'd done everything you could.

Mhm. That sums up my day.

Only One Winner

Doesn't matter how hard you try. And what effort you make. And the things you do. Nothing counts anyway.

Ultimately, only one person emerges as the winner, and it'll never be me.

Every Now & Then: Trust

The higher up you get, the more you need to trust. Trust yourself to continue to do the right thing despite the pressure and expectations. Trust others that they too would do the right thing. And just trust in that trust.

So much of trusting business going around.

I don’t know if I am capable of that just yet.

Having worked 8 years of my life thus far, all my roles have been relatively easy come to think of it. Considering the fact that I was mostly in charge of just me, myself and I, and of course the work that I was tasked to complete.

It’s kind of – you just do what you got to do, do it well, deliver results and enjoy the process while you can. And repeat.

And it’s only recently that I have started to observe what it is like to be a boss. Or a superior.

When the story is no longer about just you. But larger than you. When for a fact, there is no way you can know every minute detail of how things are done. Where things are kept. Who does what and you just got to believe and trust that the people given their roles will do what is needed of them.

And not just that, but if you have tension among the team, disharmony (which has to be common), or underperforming but good intentions folks, what do you do? Turning a blind eye is not an option, but trying to resolve every conflict is just bound to tire you out and what happens to real work then? Who fixes those problems?

Evil, lazy and opportunistic bastards should just be fired. Definitely. But what if the evil, lazy and opportunistic fox actually is capable of work, but is a moral and emotional threat to the cohort? What then?

It’s at this precise moment where you probably find yourself walking the fine line of doing the right thing. What is the right thing?

I’m just glad I’m not there in life yet. Worry when it is my turn, then again, worry is for fools. I ain’t no fool.

I’m just tired from the day. Every now and then, I just get home so tired, for no apparent reason. And I just want to crash.

At least today I managed some coherent thoughts.

Life At Thirty

Why this is an important photo.

Because in our university group of friends, the 3 of us are based in Singapore together, and last week we were gathered at the airport to send Ivy off to Warsaw with her husband for their new adventure.

Who would've thought this this day would come when we were cramming for Research Methods and whatever else just 8 years ago?

So guys, really, you can plan life all you want, but speaking from experience, life is far from what we predict so live it up, and come what may.

Don't forget to smile a little, be kind to others, and be brave.

When Your Response Is A Standard - "I Am Okay"

People can be really mean sometimes. Without realising it.

 Someday (The Smile Has Left Your Eyes OST Part 1) - 이승열

"Don't trust people."

Maybe that would be easier.

Paper Crown

Paper Crown - Alec Benjamin

Just this today.

Blow Wind Blow

Blow after blow after blow.

When you realise you're not different from the rest after all.

When you realise that no secrets are forever.

When you realise it's misplaced faith.

When you realise there's no running away or turning back.

When you realise you never should have had those expectations.

When you realise that the root of the problem traces right back to where you didn't expect it.

Yourself.

Though Tears Are Not Free

Those with more to prove, 

Always have more to lose.

Because we put in that much more heart, 

That much more effort, 

That much more care. 

And therefore, 

We are the first to bleed, 

Get hurt the worst, and cry the most. 

Time

Mhmm. Hola!

I've been away for a while haven't I?

Thought it was good time to come back and start penning down my daily thoughts and experiences as a form of stress relieve, at the same time keeping a journal, and sharing. Sort of like an all in one kind of thing.

Today, a regular thought popped up, it's mostly rhetorical and not for arguments sake.

Why do we always compare to others and fail to see what we are already blessed with?

The next time I catch myself comparing myself to others, I'll remind myself of this day.

I'll be back!

Oh, Hello New Year

It's really my own doing that I'm close to hyperventilating at how much I have left undone before shit hits the fan.

So, what can I say.

At least I have a good list of songs playing on my current playlist.

Lany - Super Far

And telling myself to breathe. After all, another day to live and make a difference.